love.

The past few days have been totally focused on my friends' wedding...and today was that wedding. Thursday we did the cliche bachelorette party, bar hopping and raising a ruckus around the city. Friday was a beautiful rehearsal dinner in their backyard, as the sun set and all the East coasters were adjusting to the NW.

Today was the big day, M and W are now married....well, here in WA it's domestic partnership and not yet actual 'marriage'. What a beautiful day, set on a lavender farm, with blue skies and sun shine, dalias and wildflowers all around, and so much laughter and happiness. It was incredible to look around and see so many people from different places all converged for this, all celebrating two people in love. There were 3 generations of family and friends, and how amazing that two women can profess their love for one another so freely and with such support.

I was one of the four chupa-holders, representing their house and the support they have from all of us. It's really hard to explain...today was just so beautiful. Hearing my friend's father say 'God gave my daughter the greatest gift possible, her wife' absolutely melted my heart. They love and support their daughter, and the fact that she is queer and married a WOMAN didn't phase anyone. They are so lucky.


There was an underlying struggle for me on the inside, that I suppressed until now. This was about them and that is how i wanted to see it...and now i'm in my bed, reflecting on the day, tired and drained. I had planned a day like this, and it should have happened last year in April. THANK GOD IT DID NOT. Today was a reminder that i will have that real love, i will have a day of celebrating a commitment, and i deserve to find a partner to cherish me. The wedding i almost had would have been tense and overwhelming, not joyful and celebratory. Friends and family rallied for me, yet they were hesitant and cautious, and I was typically defensive and dismissive. I was not living openly and honestly.

Far from that day, i have perspective. I am strong and deserving, I don't have to accept degradation and discomfort. I am hopeful after I saw today...I am reminded that love should be easy, it should feel natural, and it will happen in due time.

I want answers like who and when and where...yet they are the unknowns. I'm consciously deciding to be ok with that.

i am tired and rambling...maybe this will be more profound tomorrow :)
Regardless bloggy mcblogerson, i'm back!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Benn for mentioning blogs and inspiring me to create again.

Chickens and Roosters

Sometimes in a chicken coop there are ruffled feathers, disgruntled poultry, moments of silence and moments of chaotic clucking.

This happens, then it passes. Chickens and roosters return to calm, cooperative life, supporting each other as eggs are laid and chicks hatch...I am cracking myself up with this.

I love the rooster to my chicken and I missed her.

Thank GOD for moments of clarity :)

June means July, Aug, new school year

I am so excited it's only 13 more day of this school year...yet suddenly i feel like the summer is going to fly by so quickly and next thing i know i'm back in school. And have i really realized that I LIVE in Seattle?? I moved here, i've been playing meet and greet and exploring new places, but i actually live here....i LIVE here!

I have officially booked a trip to visit home this summer and i couldn't be more excited. Living away from my roots and my peeps is really hard at times, my network is so far away yet w/the cyber world they are at my finger tips. I can't wait to hold new babies and see women's football and drink coffee at HP and sweat it out on the city streets, knowing i will return to the cool NW. I'll come back to mountain day trips and ocean explorations, my car and I are going to find our way around this corner of the world for the month of August. I may have some east coast visitors, i hope i hope i hope.

Life is good. It is moving fast, i still marvel at the last 14 months and how it has all changed. Ok world, i get it, i'm going headfirst into self-satisfaction :)

blogger mcbloggerson

I haven't blogged in forever....it's been like that for years. I get gung ho blog urges, then i drop it, then i start up again, drop it...blah blah blah.

Let's try again. I'm watching Drumline. I love cheesy movies, with dancing, music, beatboxing, hiphop, corny young romance....LOVE IT.

That's enough for tonight, this movie has got my attention and i'm going to stop multi-tasking, stop trying to be creative and insightful.

sign sign sign

i love that i can sign.
i love that i can interpret.
on a side note, i get annoyed when people what to 'show me they can sign' and tell me how to sign. it's been 16 years, i got this sign language thing.

i also love the fact that i can work as a video interpreter. how amazing, yet totally crazy...i am in the middle of people's conversations and trusted to accurately relay the message. Kid calling mom to stay at a friends, elderly person calling the cable company, family members fighting, call from jail, grandpa saying hi to the grand kids.....you name it, we interpret it.

what blows me away is that the caller/receiver usually get to a point, pretty quickly, where it's as if they don't even know i'm there and the conversation has a life of its own.

Imagine if your life depended on another person relaying your message, if that is what you were accustom to because it's all you know!?! So much trust involved. the video phone provides a great amount of freedom, and it's sooooo precarious how we provide the service of interpretation and not takeover/help/control/interfere with the conversation. it's awesome.

this is what i do between calls, i think about the fact ta ht i'm here interpreting calls!

When rumors eat you up....

Seriously, seriously.

i am in a new place in life for many reasons. I was just reminded that one of those reasons is that i used to work/life in a crazy, gossipy, obnoxious environment. Do people really have nothing better to do then say shit about other people???
I don't want to be that way, I hope I don't do that.....

So i just found out the joyous rumors that are being blatently spread about me. They include:
I am miserable in Seattle.
I placed a bet w/a cousin and can't move back before April.
I am going to return to PSD this fall.
I skype weekly w/a former co-worker (who I don't even talk to on the phone!)
I work three jobs and am having a horrible time.

WHAT?!?!?!? How the F do i get away from this all? How do I get stronger? How do I just live life for me and leave the other crap out?

I am fighting hard to be a natural, honest person...and stuff like this makes my head spin and sends me into a place in my head that I thought was gone. I don't want to retreat in a cave and disappear, yet times like this make that cave look like a freaking 4-star hotel.

Come on people. Grow up. Move on. If you have something you want to know, just ask. Thank you M for calling and ASKING...that is a real friend.
The rest of y'all, i know someone with a really big recycling bin....

Girls' Night

I just got back from a rockin night out w/'the girls'. Bittersweet in some ways, as we went out to give our friend a night of pure fun and no stress. Why did she need this? Because her daughter is currently locked up in jail in a foreign country, going on her third year there and wrongly accused. She is not even considered guilty....you are not guilty there until you have been convicted and then there have been two appeals. She's innocent, sitting in another country, apart from family and friends. She is studying, learning to cook, find rays of light in every day.

This is my friend's life, a daughter in jail and spending her time finding money to afford visits, running to interviews and answering letters, and rarely seeing her husband. They bought a condo and a car in the foreign country so they can get around there. At all times, someone is in that tiny town so her daughter is not alone, and someone is here so their other daughter is not alone. My friend's ex-husband also spends time there, a constant rotation of family. They are only allowed to visit her for one hour, two times per week, but it's a comfort to just know someone is in town and will come by. Other days, there are visits from the lawyers, the jail pastor, reporters....this has been life for the past few years.

The amazing thing is her daughter's spirit. She has not given up, she has managed to learn Italian, French, German, and is now working on Russian. She personally writes back to EVERY person who sends her a letter of encouragement and support.

My friend continues to come to work, takes care of her other child, maintains a home and works around trips abroad. Wrong place, wrong time, framed, and now so many lives have been in upheaval. They have been to countless trials and such in a foreign system, where there is yelling, storming out, outbursts....and there is no assigned interpreter for them. Occasionally there will be a volunteer, otherwise they are lost and grasping for an understanding.

Donald Trump is appalled and advertising his support. Oprah wants them on her show. There are Buddhist monks in China that meditate on her daily, and nuns of Assisi that pray for her. Her daughter's friends come over and hang out sometimes, just to keep the connections going. Papers, magazines, tv stations....there is a constant flow of interview requests. In addition, my friend, her husband, and her daughter are all also charged with slander. My friend has a freaking court date for her own hearing....because she stated her opinion of a corrupt judge. She said "they can try to come and get me out of the US." That judge? Convicted today. Burn in hell asshole.

My friend just wants a normal life again, her daughter back, a quiet day.
She wants to hang out with her friends, laugh, drink, tell wild stories about high school days, try every dish on the Thai food menu, just live.

Sometimes, all i need is a little perspective. Life brings us all sorts of situations to face, I want to be more aware of giving thanks for what I have and not get lost in the 'have nots'.

I hope she comes home this summer, fingers crossed. Talk about UNFAIR. Unbelievable.

excuse me....

When I walk in the door at work, and i have a bag in my hand, a tea mug, a lunch bag, and i've just grabbed my mail....why does that seem like an invite to spew questions at me without details? "did you know she got a hold of him about that meeting" could mean anything:
my lawyer got a hold of my ex about the divorce pre-trial hearing
my gynocologist got a hold of the trick who i 'met' with
my mom told my dad about my appt for implants

I need context, people, CONTEXT. And let's not forget, i just walked in the door, so i'd like to actually go to my office and sit down for a minute. Ohhhh, noooo nooo, it really means i'd love you to stop me now, talk at me from the hall while i'm going up the stairs, and then please please come in my office multiple times while i look like i'm in the middle of something. Please do.

Seattle doesn't know how to drive

Since I arrived in Seattle 2 things are very obvious- people don't speed much, and all lanes are for all speeds. There is no 'fast lane' to the left. there are no signs that say 'keep right unless to pass' and indications that the road is ORGANIZED.

I am a virgo, i like order, structure, predictability. You are supposed to be able to cruise over to the left and fly down the road, and if you are a leisurely driver, stay the F to the right! People are PASSING YOU on the right, so get over one more. Maybe it's the crazy concept of HOV lanes, which I can't drive in because I never have a passenger. They move quickly....is it something to do w/being alone in your car? I don't get it and it makes me NUTS, especially when i want to get somewhere.

And the concept of pedestrians is fascinating- everyone stops. I have Philly blood, you step off the curb then I feel the need to accelerate. Crosswalk or not, it's my road. But here in the crunchy, earth-conscious northwest, we stop at all times. We stop if someone might be crossing a mile ahead! On the contrary, neighborhoods are full of intersections with NO stop signs. None. Who stops? When i see you fly through the intersection, i say a prayer of thanks that i wasn't in the intersection...how does this work????

Seattle, please just adapt some basic driving rules.
You can go the speed limit and beyond.
In a car you are big and heavy, the person should be looking out for you too.

Sleepless in Seattle...

...Wonder why?

Over the course of 12 hours

I seriously do too many things in a 12 hour span-

Monday- wake at 6 am, morning w/kitties, go to work (in the dark) as a school psych, home, dishes, run w/bud, get a drink w/pal, talk w/the rooster, go to bed at 11.

Ok that was actually 17 hrs, my favorite number :)

Tuesday - wake at 5:45 am, morning w/kitties, work as an ASL terp, go to therapy, stop home to pet the kitties, go to work as ASL video terp, home, cook yummy healthy dinner, do mindless crap on the computer all night....at 8:45 right now i'm still awake. 14 hrs so far....

Running gives me so much energy.

Not drinking morning coffee is even better.

Loving my life each day i wake up is ever better than better.

Things I love about my life....

I'm listening to Pandora Melissa Ferrick, and Amy Ray is now singing Romeo and Juliet

I get to see mountains almost everyday

I can call my friend and say let's snowshoe this weekend, and we will....and if she has to cancel, i still can do it alone :)

I sit in my home and it is quiet, warm, calm, comforting

I have a friend moving to Hawaii!!!!!!

I am geographically super close to Vancouver and kinda close to Alaska

My mom is my hero and my best friend

The people that surround me want to be around me, and that makes me smile really big

Little things make me giggle and talk really fast b/c i'm excited- like passing a school bus, seeing a sweet old couple holding hands, a toddler waving hello, my buddy Cole running to the computer and saying 'look aunt becky', hearing my nephew say 'i love you Babula, please come to my house'......just to name a few

The smell of candles burning in my cozy home

Meeting new people everyday

Crawling into bed surrounded by kitties and pillows and Blankie under my chin....

I got a bit mushy there, let's stop this before the computer gags.

More 2010 hopes and dreams....

So the first list was a bit simple, considering half of it I am doing/will do soon. I keep thinking of more things to do this year, and then I get to the computer and it's a distant memory.....well here are some at least for the moment:

• Live in Seattle (just kidding)
• financial freeeeedom! This is seriously in the works, thanks to a very organized best friend
• visit another country- preferably in South America, Africa or Asia
• take a Spanish class
• rediscover my rock-climbing skills (need a pahtnah, hahaha)
• plan a mountain adventure w/Marcia
  
  

More later, time for the second job....i think i take my first video call tonight!

The photo

The photo I posted marks the first day of the rest of my life post-bad relationship. Friends and family joined forces to scaffold me as I exited, filling the truck and helping me re-enter the land of happiness and love.

The moment also doubled as a dry run for De-Litter Bug truck driving strategies, hence the 3 Day t-shirts. MY GOD I'm blessed with amazing friends. thank you.

2010, Year of the Blog

A blo-og, a blo-og, becky writes a blo-og....

to the tune of William Wants a Doll. Did you grow up with Free To Be You and Me?

I have decided 2010 is my year of the blog, i will write something, somehow. It's been recommended to me before, and I have started a live journal page a few times, yet it never lasts. No more half-assed blogger here, i'm a new woman of commitment. Will this be read? Will it matter? Do I care?? There is so much that happens in my head, let's see how it turns out in writing.

Since it's a new year, i feel compelled to draft a list or two, but first i want to comment on something i read on a friend's blog:

"The best way to discover the rewards of relaxation are to: sit in a hot tub, sing, take hike, paint, read, remove clutter from the house."

According to this i should be very, VERY relaxed. I sat in a hot tub for a long time recently, i sing in the car daily, i have been running (fast hiking right?), no to the paint, i read daily, and i de-cluttered like a MOTHA this past week. In fact, I do feel relaxed! It helps that I haven't been to work in 2 weeks and have been able to sleep in, cuddle w/kitties regularly, see new friends and new parts of my new city, and generally veg as much as I want....however those other things clearly aid in one's relaxation. I'm glad i'm finally learning the art of relaxing :)

2010, a new year, a new decade. THANK GOD.

2009 was my worst of the worst, yet also brought me to the best place i have ever been, go figure. What will this year have in store? Some goals include:

1. Keep up the running w/Dawn, we are super stars

2. Eat more greens, and use the Glorious Greens cookbook

3. Be outside more, since I live in Seattle it's a way of life, so that helps

4. Don't say 'yes' without thinking....be selective with how i give away my time

5. Arrive on time, if not early

6. Remind those who love me how much i love them

7. Go on "me dates", dinner, movies, walks, adventures all by myself

8. Take a trip off the continental US

9. Walk 60 miles in 3 days ;)

10. Lose weight and be more fit, stronger and leaner.

It's a start. My life suddenly led me here to Seattle, every star in the sky aligned like a giant flashing neon roadside arrow pointing west. I followed, and next.....i'm open and willing to find out. Thanks universe, i got the memo ;)