The past few days have been totally focused on my friends' wedding...and today was that wedding. Thursday we did the cliche bachelorette party, bar hopping and raising a ruckus around the city. Friday was a beautiful rehearsal dinner in their backyard, as the sun set and all the East coasters were adjusting to the NW.
Today was the big day, M and W are now married....well, here in WA it's domestic partnership and not yet actual 'marriage'. What a beautiful day, set on a lavender farm, with blue skies and sun shine, dalias and wildflowers all around, and so much laughter and happiness. It was incredible to look around and see so many people from different places all converged for this, all celebrating two people in love. There were 3 generations of family and friends, and how amazing that two women can profess their love for one another so freely and with such support.
I was one of the four chupa-holders, representing their house and the support they have from all of us. It's really hard to explain...today was just so beautiful. Hearing my friend's father say 'God gave my daughter the greatest gift possible, her wife' absolutely melted my heart. They love and support their daughter, and the fact that she is queer and married a WOMAN didn't phase anyone. They are so lucky.
There was an underlying struggle for me on the inside, that I suppressed until now. This was about them and that is how i wanted to see it...and now i'm in my bed, reflecting on the day, tired and drained. I had planned a day like this, and it should have happened last year in April. THANK GOD IT DID NOT. Today was a reminder that i will have that real love, i will have a day of celebrating a commitment, and i deserve to find a partner to cherish me. The wedding i almost had would have been tense and overwhelming, not joyful and celebratory. Friends and family rallied for me, yet they were hesitant and cautious, and I was typically defensive and dismissive. I was not living openly and honestly.
Far from that day, i have perspective. I am strong and deserving, I don't have to accept degradation and discomfort. I am hopeful after I saw today...I am reminded that love should be easy, it should feel natural, and it will happen in due time.
I want answers like who and when and where...yet they are the unknowns. I'm consciously deciding to be ok with that.
i am tired and rambling...maybe this will be more profound tomorrow :)
Regardless bloggy mcblogerson, i'm back!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Benn for mentioning blogs and inspiring me to create again.